tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- not fair.. not fair at all guilt trips... my son's father is sooo good at manipulating. But this time.. he is sick... lung cancer... he has been in and out of the hospital.. his excuse for not getting back to the kid. The kid had to call him for Xmas... he hadn't even sent him a card. and how to deal with all the kid's emotions.. They are not close.. he does not like who his father is.. but it is his father and on some level he loves him and wants his acceptance... and he feels guilty for not being the bigger person and calling before.. not letting these 6 months pass without a word... and then he feels angry because he should not feel guilty... his father cancelled.. his father said he would call. so much for the kid to deal with. I told him we could go visit.. he doesn't want to... He will be in NYC touring next month and will go see him then.. it will be better he says, he will take friends with him so there will not have to be a one on one. lousy time for my defenses to break down and get sick... He has enough to deal with. but holidays always are hard for me.. it is the time when my aloneness hurts more than I can deal with.. especially now when I have memories of what it could be like.. and I don't know how to handle that hurt... and keep physically strong. I put my workers to work cleaning out that sticky crap that makes it hard for me to breathe... now to find out how to deal with the stomach part and I will be fine. my being sick is just more than the kid can deal with right now. but.. at least now he is understanding the move and as he looks around is becoming more and more accepting... sop today as he sits with me as I am curled up on the sofa trying to feel alive.. we will look for areas to live... I'm still pushing for the big A ... even if it is so far from where he goes to college... and he is still pushing for stl... but it is getting near the time I need to make final plans.. we will move.... yea!!!!! 7:13 a.m. - 2005-12-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||