tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the picture and now an old picture of us shows up... and I remember tenderness.. but also confusion and much pain. what is the meaning of this? why is he showing up now in thoughts and memories after all these years.. the old man came to me last night in my dreams.. I sitting at the stone that I know so well.. he just there asking me why the concern.. why the puzzlement.. I told him about M.. I told him I didn't understand what this meant.. now after 21 years... why now. We talked about M... what attracted me at the time to him... we talked about my anger.. my need to hurt myself.. my many and varied personas that I adopted... I didn't cry talking about all that badness... it was like watching a movie unfold.. One in which I felt unending compassion and love for the heroine even as she made wrong choices... time after time I asked the old man about that.. He smiled and said.. because it was time... Of course I understood... I knew where she came from.. I knew her anger .. her self loathing... and the fight within herself. I knew it yet no longer felt it. The old man asked me what I felt when I saw the picture... I told him I wanted to instinctively reach out and caress his face... that I smiled when I saw it... that I could almost feel his arm around me.. that I remembered how that felt.. how we were two against the world. I remembered... waking.. I understand.. why.... and now. 8:11 a.m. - 2005-12-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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