tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- am I happy now? it is cold.. very very cold this morning ... coldest nite of the season and my pipes did not freeze!!!! I did something right, I say smiling happily to myself. this Y thing is fun.. I love doing the nautilus machines.. maybe because I know I don't have to stay on any one machine very long.. or maybe because it is just me... don't know.. but I am having fun... and losing 5 lbs since Thursday... not bad me thinks.. though yesterday was suppose to be the day we were to do the pool routine... I did my nautilus.. as he was late meeting me... and then went to join him in the pool... forgetting that I have asthma and there are certain triggers... the humid hot pool area air was one of them.... it only took a couple of minutes for me to realize not only was I not getting enough air into my lungs but I was going to pass out any minute. I got out of there quickly.. took my meds and waited for my surroundings to come into focus... and then this determined person that I am at this moment in time..went and did a mile on the bike.... must remember triggers. waking up this morning with memories and his face dominating in the pictures your mind flashes ... I wondered how long that will contnue and if he was alright. though why I should care, I don't know... but I am making new memories.. I have to remember that.. last nite I took my dad to a dinner he wanted to go to for V-Day... it was at his church and one that you should not go to alone.. so we went... after the meal.. which was good and certainly NOT on my diet.. they had someone sing and he talked about love lots... about what love was and wasn't... and something struck deep... did he ever love me? is he capable of true love? is he that damaged that he doesn't understand what it is? and I? well, we all know how my life goes... it just depends on who is in control at any given time... all of me fell for him... in a NY minute.. so they say... and so before I could go on.. each had to say their good by.. make peace.. understand. am I at that place now... and if I am.. why does he still haunt my dreams and thoughts.. and sometimes.. just sometimes the laugh the rushes out of me. and then when I think of my life now... and how I feel.. a feeling I have never felt before for anyone... I wonder.. is this what it is all about? and so on the teeter totter... the up is fun and watching the splash on the downside.. makes me laugh also.. 7:32 a.m. - 2006-02-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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