tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the best will come... not over yet. the cry woke me.. shrill and mournful.. piercing the soul. My cats came running.. wanting to hide under the covers with me... and the dogs then started their howling and barking.. up and down the valley. it was morning and the animals were about. jumping into the shower and thinking about everything I have to do today.. getting the feeling that I really do not mentally have time for a relationship.. Yesterday was a my day... My things and when we didn't hook up.. when our lives didn't co-incide.. I smiled.. I was happy. The much needed time for me... and still much to do before the kid comes home.. much to do after he is here.. not much time for an us - relationship.... I will worry about that later.. the dedication was wonderful.. I wore slacks.. and my brother's first wife reminded me of the pictures and that I was not dressed suitably... and so much laughter when the father's relatives came and not one wore a dress or skirt.... I guess there would not be pictures after all... and there wasn't... us heathens... how we are... and baby N is a suit... preemie suit ( didn't know they made them that small ) with a tie that you actually had to tie... not one of those clip on thingees... but he was beautiful with a face showing much personality... as if he knew all the secrets of the world and chose to keep silent.. and I didn't mind so much the service.. though I thought if they concentrated more on the good of people instead of the "sin" of the world we would all be much better off... but that is there way... and I remembered the Hindu temple once again and the time my son and I spent there... the dancing and chanting and singing.. making joyful noise unto the gods.. and I thought.. it is time to go back... which led me full circle to... he wouldn't go with me.. and then to... how important is this to me.. and then to... what will I have to give up to be in this relationship... and how important are those things to me after all. and I thought then about the books sitting near my bed.... and how little time I have to read now... and how warm weather will soon be here and even less time with all the outside things that need to be done.. and still trying to fit time in for my son and things I like to do outside.. my flower beds... and now the relationship. and the things he wants to do... isn't is funny how the very thing you want is the very thing that is going to cause mych distress. or is it because.. this relationship is not what it should be and he is not who I should be in a relationship with. and maybe.. just maybe.. I am meant to be alone... and the old man stands there leaning against his staff laughing.. his blue eyes twinkling as I... the child stamps her foot and tells him to stop laughing. and then I, the oldest friend of me... starts to laugh which gets the me of all time laughing... until I find myself twirling in the meadow.. colors dancing round and round. It is but a moment in time and matters not.. and when it is right.. it will be right.. and when it is not.. it won't and I will dance merrily upon my way.. for there will be time to consider much later and for now.. I can only be who I am. Honesty... it will carry me thru.. for the best is yet to come... I know. 6:48 a.m. - 2006-03-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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