tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- we are home we are back and it was me, was it not, that said I missed the house messy???? but we are home.. the kids debut was wonderful..listening to his applause.. deservedly earned.. made me cry. This was my son on stage.. doing what he loves to do and so happy amidst his friends and surroundings.. I am but a mother and I cried. His friends... all of them... from the guy with the bright lavender hair who was so attentive to any need I might have as the kid was preparing himself mentally... to the 2 from Oxford who were so worried that I would take offense to their humor... and all his girl friends who wanted to be close to the kid's mother... It was a moment in time when all is right with our corner of the world. and now he is home... forms to fill out... time for me to be a mother for a few days... and his midterm grades are in.. could be better but only if your expectation was prefection.... reality... very very ice.. doing the 7 hour drive there by myself gave me much time to reflect.. about the role I have played in my failed relationships.. it is easy to say woe is me... but I understand the reasons for most... my responsibilities.. my fears.. my knowledge of who I am.. who all of me is... and my responsibility for the last.. the hardest to understand and how any of us could make allowances for that kind of treatment... it was because of that other.. that knowing and it felt so good to know someone that understood. He does not know any of that.. he doesn't dance in the colors but accepts when I do... nor does he care.. yet he believes in connections.. and he treats me wonderfully.. giving me just enough attention that I do not feel wanting.. and not too much that I feel the need to break away. He asked me last night... as he made plans for the summer.. our summer and the autumn.. our autumn.. and the what if's.. should his Mom die sooner... and where we would go.. and do... be it P or A or SL or LBL or the mountains of Idaho... smiled at that one.. He asked me if I felt secure yet... I smiled.. I told him that when I start to think about it I get nervous.. that I am afraid at just the time I say if only to myself... I trust.. he will go away. it is because of D.. because of his betrayal of the worst kind.... I know this.. I wonder if he will ever understand how much of me he has destroyed... but I can not go to that place... I just can not. but the kid is home.. it is off to the Y to work out shortly.. pick up the kids cake for his b-day party today... and smile as my world is happy for the moment.. whoo... whoooo I say.... who could ask for anything more. 7:13 a.m. - 2006-03-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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