tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- so it is to be and so the kid is on the train traveling back to a place he loves. I miss him already... much too short a visit and now not to see him until May... only 2 months... it just seems so far into the future. his visit here was difficult... my hip still giving me lots of problems and I think my worry and my fear that something is wrong and the stress of trying to do too much left me kind of testy.. finally yesterday when the pain got too much I told him what was wrong. He was angry that I had not told him sooner. His reaction to HE was as expected. After hearing from others that this guy really cared about me the kid eased up on his criticism... but HE isn't D and so the kid was very reserved in his judgement.. he picked up on his prejudice.. I told him I knew.. but that perfect person is not out there and I can search forever in this reality and not find him .. or rather I did and he wasn't perfect in every sense... just perfect for me.. but he didn't want me.. or rather he did.. just did not want ONLY me....we talked about that and how opposites HE and I are on some subjects... and how it will effect what is between us.. the kid felt anger when HE would mention something that only we knew about.. that was a typical reaction.. it has been just us for sooo long. and this morning I just wanted to stay in bed.. lost in my dreams and thoughts and hopes... and twinges of.. what was that... who entered my consciousness.. who touched me in only that way? Could it be.... should it be... of course it shouldn't.. but was it.. is it.. and I made the call yesterday .. how sad is that.. I made the call just to hear his voice on the answering machine. no message... nothing to really say... just needing to know he was there... safe within his world. and the old man came to me.. I was in a world I knew nothing of.. its colors harsh and hurting.. the old man came.. stretched out his hand and in my panic.. I reached and took it. the colors grew less harsh and I was in my coccoon.. safe and secure... the old man rocking the cradle. I understood.... I need to stay true to myself and what I believe and if I have to give any of that up ... even a bit.. the harshness of what I will surround myself with will only hurt me in the long term. My loneliness is only the world of contrasts mirroring what the coldness of winter brings... and comfort of another will not bring that much needed soul kindred companionship. and so as the night terrors return... my path.. need to stay on my path. thank you old man... thank you. 6:46 a.m. - 2006-03-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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