tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- just another strange morning words remembered.. conversations that are not real.. or are they. what reality am I floating in today and which of me is me? sometimes I wake knowing exactly who I am.. as if the morning was what I had been waiting for... feet touching the floor anxiously.. looking out at the hillside behind me.. watching the sun stripe the hill with color... I feel expectant knowing that this day will give me blessings of a gentleness. other days.. it takes longer.. waking as if lost between worlds.. turning as if to face whoever it was.. answers to conversations that could not have taken place.. at least in this reality. sometimes, I need to look around.. run thru the house.. look out the windows to remember. and then I wonder... did I have to wake up here... and in my minds eye, I touch his cheek and say I'll be back... and with a laugh.. a toss of my stones.. a cup of java and vitamins to aid the aging process... I have turned to face the day. and did he think calling my son a pansy because he chooses other options than sheer brute force for anything would make us closer?????? and if my son were truly gay what would he say then???? his prejudices.. and there is much he seems to be prejudiced about... are more than I can accept.. even for loneliness sake. strangely... I am relieved. it seems one should not want alone time as much as I do, should be my first hint of it not being right for me... 6:40 a.m. - 2006-03-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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