tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- pot calling the kettle black it started out .. a day as any other day... the energy dispersed in many directions until looking out my window.. focusing.. the energy spilling out into the universe.. I was excited... another day without work... another day for me. and then it started... my brother's anger focused at me... but the reason.. the self serving reason.. I felt the assault deep... and then the words about my sister.. again an assault and worry. and I called my sister.. knowing she would need much good energy.. she asked for prayers.. I told her of course.. I would pray the only way I knew. We cried together... I told her it would be alright.. that I would be there for her no matter what.. she was my baby sister and we would get thru it together... and again I felt the assault... I told my dad at dinner... his reaction.. so I screwed her up also.. at least I thought I had done alright by her.. had it been you.. I would have understood. I looked at him... I wanted to scream... IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU... but I didn't.. I smiled calmly and let A in her sweetest voice say... this has been going on for a long time... it is not the first time.. or didn't you know. He didn't. Yes, yes.. I know it was catty... but this is me and we are in this human mode.. you know... and I never said I was perfect.. she strives for perfection.. I strive to get thru another day with sunshine and laughter.. without looking back.. without pain. ok.. back to my easter story. so he said.. you will call your mother.. I said yes, before the relatives do.. it is in the paper. so I call the mother... her reaction... well, I am glad I am not there to have to face my friends... wtf... not... how is your sister.. is she alright.. where is she? what about her son? no.. none of that... so in my catty voice.. I said.. YOUR friends have nothing to comment on... their kids.. their lives are not so perfect. and then.. in an even cattier tone... so is his divorce final YET???? Happy Easter... I am suppose to go there in a few days.. I don't know if I can.. I don't know.. I feel the energy hurting me already... she does that to all of us... and then the memories of childhood.. she did not protect K and Me.. well I do not need her protection... and I protect us all now... all of us.. everyone of us. but I do not like how she makes even me feel.. you can't pick your relatives.. but you can distance yourself from them. 6:43 a.m. - 2006-04-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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