tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Make a decision... it is time. and so we are home. the camp is all set... but I am not sure it will ever be where I rest my head again this summer. sometimes it is all about realizing "settling" out of loneliness is just "settling" and I deserve more. The kid and I talked about it last night. A wasted weekend and time seems so much more important now than it ever has to me. Time wasted. but that feeling of getting home and turning on the lights and the familiar sounds and smells and sights...nothing better... at least, if it is safe and warm.. and filled with the echoes of left over laughs. those ones, just waiting to be relived. and he didn't understand just how blah the weekend really was for us... he didn't understand how relieved I was to get back to those jobs waiting for me.. to see my gardens. He talked about future and taking this another step.. another direction. I smiled... softly I asked if he really thought he was ready for that and all its realities... softly... for he is a good man...and he means well... but ..... and there is much to the but. the kid made an observation... later .. at night when we were sitting around having a snack.. Do you love him.. you never mention that... do you at least love him? I smiled... taken back at the thought.. love???? by the gods ... NO. and to myself... and to the universe.... I want to... stomps my feet.. I want to. I don't. So what is this all about anyway.
6:45 a.m. - 2006-06-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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