tarkis's Diaryland Diary

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not on a fast train to anywhere

so it was a matter of getting thru a few days... getting thru.

but it shouldn't be that way... and I know this and hopefully I will be able to act on it.

and here in lies the problem.. someplace along the way I have changed. accepting.. not accepting.. have very little meaning for me... for all of it matters not.

it just is.

what does matter is how will I deal with the trip? now that truly is the question.. how?

and since I can feel the outcome before it begins... why bother at all?

the train is heading down that track to nowhere and I never thought I should get on to start with so it isn't as if at first station on the way I won't bail.

and then it gets confusing.

but as you get older, I no longer find the need to experience the opposites.. but look forward to resting in the arms of understanding and commonality in desires and viewpoints.

and I can't stand the thought of wasted time... and that is just what I will be doing.. wasting time.

so little time seems ot be left.

of course it will be fun to see the loons & moose in the wild.. which brings me into a whole different circle of thought.. one which I can't allow myself into as there is no escape... I know that now...

but loons flying low over the lake at dusk... poetry in vision.. and moose with their youngun's trodding ever so silently..

is that enough?

well, and don't forget... the father figure.. doing something nice for the father figure...
probably his last trip and he is so excited.

but couldn't I have just put him on a train and sent him off? not as if they wouldm't have met him at the station.

nope.. not as if.

and why am I elected? Of all people me?????

ya gotta laugh.. ya just gotta.

and we think the kid managed to shoot the mean wild thing.
and that is a whole other part of this.. I only have so much time with the kid...

again.. all about wasted time.
get my reading list prepared..

run.. run fast and far. I don't want to look back but only feel the breeze in my hair.

I want.. sadly... what I want seems to never have mattered.

well, once it did... when I asked for a boy child.

or is that the only want .. the only desire I gave up everything for??

Hmmm.

complexity of life.

7:15 a.m. - 2006-06-21

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