tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- gone and back... in a twinkling It is the highs and lows that make us interesting... I've been told that. The middle lacks excitement... I've thought that. Still.. I hate the funk before .... just before.. at the lowest. Once again, I felt the quicksand pulling.. and there I was.. no longer laughing or even able to remember why I ever laughed to begin with. It started with Junior Parents Weekend in a couple of weeks which I must go to.. actually Valentine's Weekend.. and admittedly.. the thought that there is no one to go with me... kind of saddened me. I didn't ask anyone... really was no one to ask.. or that I really wanted to ask.. so that reality put me in a strange place. and then within minutes ...as attractions go.. my sister informed me that she will be coming to my Mom's 80th with her live in boyfriend of 10 years. Now.. I know on the surface that seems logical... but then it hit me.. great.. once again it will be everyone and me.... not even the kid will be coming with me... just me. so that negative again attracted even more.... and then the kid called... my wonderfully on track kid called to let me know... maybe he wasn't so wonderfully on track anymore... great.. love to worry about stuff... so I knew it was well into the negatives and that was before starting work even... anger and funk and self pity were taking over... and I didn't care... and I swirled in its mist.. getting ever closer to that rim.. that sharp edge. I sat on it wondering why me.. poor me... I don't care, stomping foot child me.. and then I felt it.. my connection to someone.. haven't a clue who... because I am sure it can't be he to who I have always been connected... and I laughed. it was over... to the edge and back... and I saw all kinds of "stuff" to make me laugh... and of possibilities and dreams and desires.. and then .. the strangest of it all... sometime during the night my pregnant onion plant had sprouted a shoot... at least 15" tall... and it will blossom.. They had told me it would be years before that happened... I sat amazed... excited... ya think it is the reikei? and decided .. today is the day I will call.. children will be in my future... for how should one ever be alone when there are so many that need someone. and the gods know... I need to be needed. twinkle twinkle little star 6:27 a.m. - 2008-01-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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